I’ve Been Robbbed
I was robbed. My blue stapler, he is always right next to my tape dispenser. He is gone. He has been missing for two days and I do not know who took my man. Whoever did better give it back or treat him right. He likes to be clicked at least 50x a day, and not roughly it hurts his head.
If you did rob said stapler, Ronnie, please bring him back to his home. 1 foot from the Lakers mouse pad in Suite 510. If you happened to break and or loose Ronnie, I would like one from Staples (obvi) that is green this time, to match the color of my eyes. Also, it must look like an alligator for I will then be the girl with the alligator stapler. I am really working on decorating my work space. So far I’ve done well with picture frames of a little boy from next door, no I am not a pedophile, Lakers mouse pad, and colored sticky notes, writing pads, and highlighters. Ronnie was part of my family too, and I feel like I lost a pet. So bring him back, or buy me a better Ronnie. Until then I will look at all of you coworkers as thieves and I will not eat your gifts for I feel they will be poisoned, or help you with your computers for I know they will blow up on me, or walk away from my desk without leaving some sort of trap for you to fall into.
Beware, I loved my Ronnie and you took him from me. If it was the cleaning people I forgive you, but I do not forgive you for not reading my poorly written Spanish post it notes to clean behind and around my desk area. All I seem to get right is “basura” these days. Yes I know, we took some bags from the bathroom for our shredder because we are lazy so we stole from you. Maybe this is a game of war, only time will tell. I expect my stapler back by tomorrow morning at 8:30 before I arrive and that means there will be a peace treaty, as long as you wrote a lengthy apology as well, in cursive, oppositely, reversed. Good luck.
I don’t feel safe right now. I am not happy with this situation. This was a personal attack. I also believe you killed Mr. Bigs, the communal Stapler between CAP and FSG. This is NOT OKAY.