Everywhere we go, we’re those bitches.

by WildChild

I sit at the park (my cubicle) everyday and g-chat with my friends about our positively unusual dates from the previous night (that is if we haven’t already face timed when he snuck off to the loo, or sometimes right in front of his face).  As we type away, I giggle my pants off and pretend I am mysterious as these chats come in from all my single ladies in LA, NY, London, San Fran, Philly, D.C., and even Taiwan.  We are encountering spooky things: one-eyed teddy bears, robe fetishes, black cars swinging us around in the middle of the night and attacks to our face.

A moment to clarify.

1.  Men now seem to have handicapped stuffed animals that they NEED to sleep with.  They are totally cool with sleeping on the couch without their lady friend as long as they have their loving stuffy.

2. It is assumed that a booty call is okay as long as they “send a car”.  What car?  Booty call?  Please, we are ladies.  (Don’t ring on the weekends when judgement is impaired).

3. There is no need for politeness or introductions in 2013 apparently.  If you like what you see just come on up to me when I am eating my chicken pot pie at a restaurant and try to plant one on my face.  Certainly not an invasion of space.

4. Asking girls out via text “want to get a beer/coffee?”  Which one is it.  I am confused because one means a trip to the library after coffee and the other means…

5. Thinking a hipster girl from the East coast will be impressed by your thorough knowledge of Taylor Swift.  That and all the lyrics to her “talented” songs.  Andddddd friend zone it is.

6.  Robes.  Enough said.

7.  Okay, I can’t tell a lie (yes I can), I got in one of these cars after a date.  Seattle is apparently the land of Christian Grey’s.  Fine by me for the easy trip home.  The guy driving was definitely from the Men in Black because he was wearing a suit and wouldn’t speak no matter how awkward I tried to make the conversation (I learned from the best in that category especially when giving directions).

8.  Girl: I don’t think this will work.  Boy: Lets be friends with benefits.  What? A for effort?

10. Hey buddy..let me make this clear..if I say no to drinks..and no to coffee..I sure as HELL do not want to go to the driving range for my “first golf lesson”.  No means no.  Especially when it involves argyle.

9. Girl: Make me dinner. Boy: Demanding but exciting! What would you like? Sides? All vegetarian?  Which vegetables? Okay I’ll just make them all.

10. Who knew National Geographic could be so thrilling.  For a whole 6 hours.  Time to push that magic button for that car again.

All of you had all the credentials to make it.  Sadly there was always that one disgusting, filthy move that stomped out the fire for all of us ladies.  Good thing we are all still 20 somethings because it is a sea of madness out there.  Not to say we are perfect, we are all crazy, but we acknowledge it and have the g-chatting skills to make all of it perfectly hilarious. Sorry we are not sorry.  O.

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